Re: The push button Combine [ & Tractor ]
Two mostly true stories from yesteryear from down under and which I bet you have never heard before due to the very red faces arising therefrom.;
With some considerable literary embellishments.
And if you can't guess who the empire was, Well??
Once upon a time, many decades ago, in the land of the free and of ever lasting riches, the high priests of a great enterprise looked out upon their empire.
In the Land down under they espied a great enterprise that they in their infinite wisdom had purchased and distributed the many riches that enterprise had contained upon their most exalted minions.
But there was still many minions who had many slaves scattered about the land and who had the empire's coat of arms above their establishments.
These minions were agitated and wanted to know just what the heck the high priests were going to do now as they had about stuffed the joint and unless they came up with something pretty good, pretty darn quick all of those minions were going to have to find their beggars bowls to earn a quid or find another cult of high priests to enable them to enjoy some gainful employment!
So the high priests consulted their soothsayers who in their wisdom pointed out that the empire had many slaves in the land of rain and fog and sometimes snow and where all was grey and which was the home of the tribe called Poms on the other side of the world who could make a reaping device that would satisfy the discerning grain growing kulaks in the land down under and would enable the grain growing kulaks to reap with confidence and enthusiasm and that this would bring much riches to the high priests.
So many reaping devices from the land of fog and rain and sometimes snow which is the land of the tribe called Poms and where all is grey were loaded onto great canoes and sent to the land down under.
And number of great exhibitions were held where the reaping devices and cunning inventions of many empires were displayed and the new reaping device from the land of fog and rain and the tribe of the Poms was displayed for the first time to the discerning grain growing kulaks.
And the high priests looked upon the enterprise with hope and favor.
And the grain growing kulaks and their female companions and their mistresses and many young descendants came in great numbers and looked upon the empire's proudly displayed new reaping device with open mouths and then they would burst out laughing.
The high priests were not amused and demanded to know why the grain growing kulaks and the minions of the other empires were rolling around on the ground laughing at their reaping devices.
When suitable liquid refreshments had been supplied in liberal quantities and the tongues were loosened, the high priests of the empire were aghast at what they heard.
The supreme efforts of their slaves in the land of fog and rain and sometimes snow, the land of the tribe called Poms and where all is grey had come to nought.
"Who in the bloody heck was stupid enough to put a stinking hot bloody engine and it's bloody exhaust right down under the guts of the bloody header where you can't get at it and where it runs down in the stubble when it's 100 degrees in the shade".
"You'll burn the crap out of the country if you try and sell that thing" says the grain growing kulaks and they rode off into the sunset shaking their heads in disbelief and still laughing.
So the high priests in great dismay and after much further consultation decided that their remaining slaves in the great enterprise in the land down under could fashion their own reaping devices for the land down under's discerning grain growing kulaks.
Much thought and labour and great wealth was expended over many years to get the new reaping device just right.
With the expenditure of much more great wealth, ripe grain crops were purchased and hired slaves cut and bound and carted the bound crop to the great enterprise's secret lair where much thinking and drawing and arguing and arm waving was done and much cutting and hacking and welding was done to create the new reaping device.
A great long belt was created upon which the bound crop was unbound and then evenly distributed.
And after much calculation and head scratching it was decided that 11 seconds was long enough to see what happened to the unbound crop as it entered the about to be created new reaping device that would enable the grain growing kulaks to reap with confidence and enthusiasm.
And the new reaping device was created with great patience and much care and it sat at the end of the long belt upon which the unbound crop lay and when a slave pressed the button and electrons flowed and the belt moved at speed feeding the unbound crop into the new reaping device for 11 seconds.
The new reaping device, with great cunning, had clear panels to watch the unbound crop enter upon the reaping device and watch the contortions that the unbound crop went through while it had the daylights hammered out of it by the many whizz bang go go spinning and shaking bits inside of the reaping device.
A so that the most intelligent slaves and those who carried bits of paper saying they were intelligent could remember what had happened, seeing eyes in black boxes were placed in front of the clear panels and put everything they observed onto long strips of film so that the intelligent ones and those with bits of paper saying they were intelligent could play with the strips of film and slow it down and watch over and over again what happened to the unbound crop inside of the new reaping device.
And much further hacking and cutting and welding and arm waving went on for many months and years until the reaping device was perfect.
And then when all was perfect with the reaping device, the wide bits with many points that gathered the crop were attached to a real copy of the new reaping device and all was ready for the high priests and the intelligent ones and those with bits of paper saying they were intelligent to watch the first gathering of the crop by the new reaping device.
A suitable crop was selected and acquired by the minions of the high priests and all gathered to watch with great enthusiasm as the reaping device was perfect beyond doubt as was well proven with the great 11 second belt and much unbound crop in the secret lair.
And the signal was given to drive the new reaping device into the crop and it was perfect FOR 11 SECONDS.