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GOOD FOR A LAUGH ---------------
>
> " 30 lines that make you smile"
>
> 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....He
thought
> he was God and I didn't.
>
> 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>
> 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>
> 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>
> 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
>
> 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>
> 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>
> 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>
> 10..I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
>
> 11..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>
> 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
> medicine.
>
> 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
>
> 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>
> 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>
> 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>
> 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
>
> 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
>
> 19.. Procrastinate Now!
>
> 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
>
> 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
> 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
>
> 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
>
> 24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>
> 25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
>
> 26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand
> times the memory.
>
> 27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for
> a pig.
>
> 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>
> 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
>
> 30.. I smile because I don't know what is going on.
 

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Well just don't tell your wife you heard it from me. I have a death wish, just not from your better half lol.
 

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Christa Freeland was trying to explain that the Moon was closer to Ottawa than Florida. Her reasoning is that she could see the moon
 

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Will Trudeau get rid of the discriminating game laws and make them gender neutral? Why should bucks get shot and not does?
 

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Saw this advert while checking in at camping site... Made me think about the Gary Larson cartoons "trouble brewing. While setting up camp, saw them doing it.... Guess it's feeding time

I went parasailing once in Cancun on our honeymoon. Remember seeing small sharks of some kind swimming below us. The waters were really rough that day, we were on the boat for awhile before it was our turn to go up, stomach wasn't doing so well. I "fed" the sharks from 200 feet in the air! Luckily was able to hold off on "feeding" time as we had just been right above the beach only minutes before!
 

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When the graveside service had no more than terminated...

... There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
 

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
 

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Last nights public service announcement
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of fellows drinking and driving excessively and letting their wives drive
 

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Finally with a new phone I was able to recover my password, so here goes, first post in a couple of years.

you need to do this with an accent;

Hamish was travelling in Canada with a Canadian friend Mike when he sees an animal, turning to Mike he says “och ; what’s that animal?” Mike says to him “well that’s a moose eh” Hammish says “if that’s a moose I’d hate to see your rats”
 
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